I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
