I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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