wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
