dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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