found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Randomize
