just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Im part way to drunk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
