Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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