A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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