Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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