I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
