i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
