Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I could make wine with my vomit
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
