Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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