Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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