Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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