1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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