So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
