I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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