No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
