Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
