He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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