I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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