What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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