so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
