You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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