That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We have so much sex to catch up on
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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