i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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