i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
