Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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