I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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