How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
