a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
