Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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