I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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