What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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