You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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