My Higher Power is John Stamos
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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