dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Randomize
