You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
