I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
