sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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