Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
