I intend to get homeless drunk
Dignity is for republicans.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i drank out of a bidet.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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