I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
