does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
