You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
