Jerry, you need to find god
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
