A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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