On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
