I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
