i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
