My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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