My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
