Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
