Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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