He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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