You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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