her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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