and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
